A Walk In My Shoes

A dear friend joined me for dinner the other night. Her beautiful three babies in tow, we sat and enjoyed the sounds of their laughter and playing, watching them learn to play together and for the first time in too long we enjoyed the company of each other. My heart needed that visit in ways I am not sure she knows. We sat for a couple hours talking about our lives, that sadly we haven't gotten to experience much together. For so long we were inseparable, you didn't see one without the other and if you did the first question you got was...."where's your sidekick?" Our nights were filled with giggles, drinks and always dancing. We talked about our dreams, our goals, the cute guy at the bar who did or didn't look our way. Loosely dreaming of the days we have now. Kids, PTA, mortgages, and parenting tips weren't something we ever talked about. Just that one day, one day- we would meet the man who stole our heart and start a family together. I don't think either of us planned for it to be so hard to continue our friendship through those life changes, but we have done our best and that's all I can ask for.

As we sat there visiting our conversations circled around what our lives are now; careers, exciting new credentials, the plans we have to keep our kids learning to be good little humans and of course, the struggles that come with keeping sane on the days we really think we might pull our hair out. When we got to our faith we both admitted how hard it is to keep up with church-going, schedules, communities and finding a place to fit. It's difficult but worth it. Somewhere between discussing how much harder marriage is than we thought and still talking about God, she mentioned a sermon she heard, a simple question was asked- "Have you asked yourself- What's it like to be married to me?" At the time, I acknowledged what she said and continued the conversation, but over the last couple of days it's stuck with me.

I can't imagine what it's like to be married to me! Nearly every argument I say "Yes, but I am doing this...... I am feeling this....." Not doing a good job of noticing every step that has gotten us here. My husband has been through a lot with me. Far more than I think he has experienced in his own life, and now he is partnered with a woman who carries a lot of emotional baggage. I've not done a good job of stepping out of the shoes I am walking in to see how this pace is impossible to keep up with. But he has stuck through this crazy mess with me every step of the way. He was there for the emotional conversation that came with telling my dad he wasn't allowed to walk me down the aisle, picking up the pieces when he decided he wouldn't be there at all. 7 years later my husband held me as I cried knowing that the last breaths I heard over the phone, of that same man, would be the last sound I have to remember him by. All the while knowing I was still holding onto the emotions and questions that came with him leaving me at such a young age....and the damage that came whenever he was there. He was there when we lost a baby that I loved so dearly, I don't know if I asked him how it affected him. He has held me up, given me courage and cheered me on in some of the most incredible and challenging moments of my life. Diving into that question- "What's it like to married to me" has led to a lot of self-reflection. Much needed reflection. Not just in the realm of marriage. But in Life.

What's it like to be my friend? My Boss? My Mom, sister, colleague, MY CHILD!? The truth is, I hope for it to be good. I have intentions of being successful in all of these roles, but really, I know I can do better. I can put more effort into each and truly be the woman I aspire to be. If I am being honest, which I plan to always be, the last few months have been rough. I have had a hard time rallying and coming out of the funk I have settled into, but it took that question, "What is it like?" to really jolt me to a place of motivation. I started this group, this blog and this journey with all of you to provide for you all exactly what I need. Support, love and a non-biased place to tell you I am not perfect in any aspect of my life. I know I never will be, and I am not going to try to be. But what I can be, is the best I can be. I am going to give it my all to get back to a woman I am proud of.

For the first time, I took a walk in my shoes- from the outside looking in, and wasn't impressed with what I saw.

So thank you, beautiful friend, for the visit and time shared. For unknowingly opening my eyes.