"Life has a funny way of "working out." Not everything is meant to be, it'll be o.k. Things will work out in the end." All the cliche, must say lines I have heard this week. Ugh. Ya, I get it, everyone truly means those words and though they likely know it doesn't actually comfort my worries, it is the easiest thing to say. I appreciate their words and their willingness to be there for me. I just have a hard time letting those words land on my heart. I think that is called bitterness.
This week I learned the job I have been doing for the last year and half is now being eliminated. It's a very catch 22 situation- I have wanted to leave this job for awhile, but now I am leaving this job. Confusing I know, but that's where I stand. With all jobs, there are things, people, changes that some people just can't stomach. But those words "Your position is being eliminated." Never come lightly. It hurts, it feels personal. What's worse is being told you can apply for the new position, for downgraded pay- but just an FYI, if you really want it, you'll probably have to relocate. It all seems like a lot of hoops to jump through for a job I was already hoping to leave anyway. I think I am too tired to do that for them again.
The emotions this week have ebbed and flowed. At times I am glad God is giving me the open door to leave, and hopefully the chance at a new opportunity. A healthier environment. On the other hand it feels like a very personal sneak attack. Some moments I feel a new wave of motivation I haven't felt in awhile. But as quickly as I breathe that energetic breath, I am choked with the fear of not landing on my feet. I have a family to provide for, two children who are counting on mommy to hold her head high and take this stumble with the confidence that it will be okay. But will it? I am trusting the good Lord that it will.
I've laid out the pros, I've laid out the cons. Now, I have to stand staring at a fork in the road with two very similar, but different paths. Do I hope to continue down this path that has been full of boulders and trudges that have left me with beaten down confidence? I have enjoyed the people, friends I will never walk away from. This job isn't the decider of my social life. I think I have made an impact and done the job I was hired to do, but will that carry me through mountains I am sure to face if I stay---if they let me stay?
Or do I close the door, turn off the light and walk away knowing I gave it my all? Hoping the next open door provides a steadier path to the career I can serve? Hopefully that door opens quickly, because my family can't afford for me to stand on the steps knocking.
Adult-ing is bullshit. Maybe that is what I want people to say when they hear "I've lost my job." I have yet to say those words out-loud by the way. "Restructuring, eliminated, going a different direction." Whatever, I lost my job, someone chose for me to lose my job. That's the biggest part, someone decided another person wasn't worth it. Ouch. As much as I want to believe they have enough trust in me to rehire me, I also want them to pass me by so I have a concrete message. Silly God, don't you know you have to spell it out for me? I am not good at scavenger hunts and your little hints won't hit me hard enough. Pull the rug Lord! Let me fall so I can start picking up the pieces. There's a lesson in this I know, you're not growing if you aren't learning. What a harsh lesson plan God has for all of us!
But what I know is this; I'll come out better. I have learned what I won't deal with as an employee, what I deserve as a person and just how quickly life changes. Not always for the better. We take for granted the moments the skies open and say "TA-DA here is something wonderful." Sometimes I think we walk right passed those moments without even noticing. Shame on us. I gotcha God, things aren't that bad, they can always be worse. In all reality, I know this is the push he is giving me to really decide if I stay and continue to deal with the reasons I wanted to leave in the first place. He will do what is best for my family, I trust that with my whole heart. So, I'll hang on tight for this ride. I know it won't be easy, but I've got this.
Life is tough. Most of the time the "soft" landing is filled with sharp edges, and the scars we wear after the fall are what shape us. I'm still learning, with bumps and bruises, but I hear the lessons. So ya, I lost my job. But, I am gaining a new opportunity. Who knows, maybe my "What's really meant to be" is right around the corner. As my mama would say "Give it God."
So I am handing it over to you Lord, I Trust You.
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