Another Sleepless Night

It's 1:07 AM, after a solid 124 minutes of tossing and turning I have finally willed myself out of bed. I might as well do something worth while if I am going to be awake. It's funny the places our minds go when we just let them wander. I have officially remembered the most random moments of my life. Including, but not limited to the sweet Alladin shoes I had in second grade. Teal High Tops with bling and a picture of that cute tiger on the side. Why that popped in to my mind while not sleeping I don't know. But, there it was in all it's nostalgic glory. But it did also occur to me that it was nearly 3 years ago I was in this same situation of sleeplessness when something urged me out of bed to create this Village. Admittedly, I have disregarded it lately.

I've replayed that night in my head probably 4 times in the last little bit, putting myself back at that morning and remembering the shambles my life was in. I have come to the realization of how much my life has changed in those 3 years. In that moment 3 years ago, I was escaping a sleepless night of stress, crippling anxiety, avoiding the truth that my marriage was failing and aching for the companionship of someone in the same boat. What I realize now, that I couldn't have then, was that I was building my tribe for what was about to come. Gathering those I knew would understand and help me through what was about to be the hardest journey of my life. You see, about 1 month after I had that sleepless night I had the first of 4 pivotal, marriage ending blow ups. A night that was supposed to be a celebration and fun with friends ended up with holes in the wall of my house, false accusations and two people frantically trying to put things back together, without letting the world know we were falling apart. Lucky for us, that night our beautiful children weren't home.

The months following we scrambled to try to salvage what was left of our love. We both worked our tails off trying to fix our broken pieces, we attended counseling, went back to church and tried holding tight to the love we vowed to each other and our children. I learned a lot about myself in that time, I faced demons I tried to muffle my whole life. I watched the man I fell in love with slip further away from me, I invested myself in the betterment of my children, all the while creating this Village I kept telling myself was for everyone else. I see so much now, that I was building it up for me. To give me the strength to walk away from a situation that was creating far more harm than good. In the midst of this, another pivotal moment, another knock down drag out fight - only this time, my babies had a front row seat. Again, we tried coming back to each other. Again, we tried putting back our broken pieces, again we failed. Third times a charm they say right? It took pivotal moment three to truly see the reality we had created for each other, that we had broken so many pieces of each other individually that no matter how hard we tried, it wasn't our love that would survive. At this point, it was a fight for our individual sanity. Ultimately knowing, him and I, but more importantly, our kids were better off with us apart. There are times I look back at that year and half and see the choices I made, some I am proud of, others I am not. I look back at the hell we were both going through and wonder how the hell two people who were so damn powerful in their love could let each other crumble into so many pieces. I see those moments now and I don't recognize myself, or him. I don't know what messed up reality we were trying to create, but in the end we let each other down. I am not ready to say I am thankful for those moments, it is still too raw to be grateful for the scars I carry. Some, are still healing. I know his are too. But I am willing to say, in the two years since we made the decision to end things, we have both grown. Don't ask us to sit in a room alone and not fight, it's still too soon for that, but, you can see we have both found a healthier way of living. The most important part, my kids - they see daddy happy, they see mommy mentally strong and healthier on several levels and they see a different example of love. One that says, we can go through hell but still work together to make things right for them. Together, we are good parents and I am grateful for that.

Tonight, at 1:38 AM, I am not tossing and turning because of a restless mind and crippling anxiety or fear for what tomorrow will bring. But instead because the water pillow that is supposed to help with my neck pain decided to leak all over my bed, leading me to wake up in a panic thinking that somehow at 35 years old I wet the bed. First world problems, am I right? Tonight, I am mostly at peace with my restlessness. In the last couple hours I think I've successfully played through the most random and forgotten moments of my life, planned the shopping list for the week, creating the list of chores I have neglected, and covered my side of the bed in towels in an effort to not wake the snoring, congested man next to me who came into my life at the exact right moment. Tonight's lesson in the sleeplessness is that I created a Village to help me through, in those moments not knowing how important it would be to me, and whether you know it or not, your presence in the last three years helped me through the toughest times of my life. I am fully aware this group has become less of a priority to me. Partly because I found a man that keeps my heart and mind happy on a level I forgot existed, but also partly because I got lazy. So for that I apologize, I would like to make 1000 promises that I will come back full force to rebuild this group, but if there is anything I have learned in the last 3 years it's that you shouldn't make promises you can't keep.

But I will say this - I will keep this group going at the capacity I am able, because you helped me, because I want to help you. But, know that I am here, in your pain, in your triumph, in your biggest and smallest victories and losses, I am here with you. In your corner cheering you on as part of your Village - I don't need a Facebook Group for that to be true. I am only a text, DM, phone call or what ever method of communication you use, away from hearing you out. Thank you for being in my Village. And a small PSA before I go, if you choose to buy the water pillow - always check the seal before you go to bed.

Sweet Dreams