It’s been far too long since I sat down and wrote anything. I have had a hard time addressing my faults and scars from the last two years. Anyone watching from the outside can easily say how sorry they are that I have faced the heartache of the life I have lived lately, but I am here to tell you – I deserved it, some.
It’s time to admit I got lost. I have hurt people. The ones I promised never to let down. I had secrets, insecurities, I got lost. In a big way. And I thought I was justified. Some days, I can feel the pressure so suffocating that I want to spend days in bed. Other days, I feel somewhat lighter, like it’s going to be ok. Today, I decided it’s time to dust myself off and get back to the person people used to know. The one you can count on to do the right thing, to be there for you when life is hard and the one that leads with love- for others- not themselves.
At this moment I am aching for my kids, because my daughter asked me last night “Why can’t you just tell daddy you won’t fight anymore, then you can be together again?” I wish I could explain to her five-year-old heart why that isn’t possible anymore, and why the reasons mommy and daddy aren’t together anymore has nothing to do with her. In fact, if it weren’t for these two beautiful children, I am afraid daddy and I wouldn’t talk at all. Which, on its own breaks my heart. This person who I promised my life to wasn’t supposed to go away, he wasn’t supposed to let me down. I wasn’t supposed to let him down, we weren’t supposed to be each other’s biggest heartbreak, we were supposed to be the happily ever after you read about. How do I explain to this beautiful young girl that sometimes love lets you down, when I want so much for her to see the beauty in the world?
In the last year I have gone through several versions of myself. I keep hoping I am getting back to who I am supposed to be, but to be honest, I am not sure who that is. What if all this heartache and pain is just steppingstones to who I want to be? Aren’t we always changing? Evolving? Becoming better versions of ourselves? I have never been one to settle so I have taken a close look at myself and seen a lot of room for improvement. Not the things your normally think of, like going to church, praying, drinking less……not those things. I mean the hard things, the person who lifts themselves up, overcomes that destruction of degrading self-talk. The one who shows up. The one who you know will have your back. Glimpses of that person have been there, and it feels so good to be that person. But I am easily swept away in my own self pity and thrown back into the throws of depression.
So many people I know are in the same boat. I want so bad to tell them they are not alone. That the best of us have struggled with the darkness that requires a medication to pull us out of. That it is OK. It is ok to have a hard time, it’s ok to not be ok, and the strength you find in those moments will set you up for the future you- the one that looks back and says “Thanks for the struggle.”
To me, there is comfort in knowing I am not alone. In fact, it is staggering how many people in the last year have come forward and said they struggle too. Whether it is the pandemic, the chaos of the cruel world or just that fact that sometimes shit falls apart. I know I am not alone, though sometimes I just want to be. But I know it is the worst thing I can do for myself. I need to motivation of relationships, I must laugh with people, feel their energy, and let it push me when I have none of my own.
I hate to say my struggle with depression had anything to do with the failing of my marriage, but the truth of the matter is, it did, not entirely, we both made our own decisions, but truthfully it had something to do with it. Because neither of us knew what was going on, or how to deal with it. Because my ways of coping were unhealthy to him and myself, and because we didn’t address it- because neither of us wanted to admit this tormenting illness knocked on our door and made its self at home in me. By the time we did address it, the damage was done and we were both left with the destruction of the storm. I write this, not for sympathy. But for awareness. Mental health is such a scary topic, and so hush hush that it is hard to speak up and say “Dammit, I am sad.” But I am, and I do speak up for all those who are struggling. It is nothing to be ashamed of, it is nothing to hide and it is not OK to ignore. For me, help has come through medication, counseling and forcing myself not to hideaway when I feel like that is all I can do. Those days I want to sleep, be alone and stay far away from the world are the days I dig my heals in and say no.
My untreated illness devastated my life, my children’s, and my family’s. Good lord, I look back at the decisions I made and wish I could take it back. But now, as I am coming out of the storm, I can see that struggle was the best thing that could have happened to me. You must hit rock bottom before you can dig yourself out. I hit that bottom, and the six feet of crap under it. I spent time in a psych ward, yup. I did. Not something I am proud of, but it is part of my story and it was the bottom I needed to say enough is enough. This is my life, and I am going to take it back. That is the moment I realized I have to be stronger; this isn’t what life is supposed to be and I CAN DO BETTER.
I have spent the last year making messes, failing, and kicking myself for being so far down. But today I woke up and realized just how happy I am that I haven’t given up. I have a beautiful life despite the heartache I caused and received. My hope is those around me who have been on this ride see that in the last few months I have come closer to the person I want to be than I have been in a long time. Not that person who wants to succeed in a career, but the one who cares about the people around me and not myself. I care about my family, my children, my friends and less about myself. I got lost, I admit it. I am sorry for the pain I caused; I just hope you can all trust that I am back. That I am fighting, some days I will struggle, but it’s not going to keep me down.
If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, guilt- what ever your struggle is. PLEASE DON’T DO IT ALONE! There are millions of us out here who do understand and don’t want you to face this by yourself. We are in this together. I got lost, but I am finding my way back and you can too. Just ask. Always reach out.
Comments