Dear Dad, I Love You.

Dear Dad,

Today marks 2 years since I said goodbye to you. We knew the moment was coming yet hearing the words "He's Gone" felt like a lie. We missed out on a lot Dad. Not just because you passed too soon, but because you left long before that. I remember very few moments that we acted like father and daughter, because you left too soon. I didn't have you to teach me how to drive a car, or meet my first boyfriend. You didn't have the chance to see me sing or grow, because you left too soon. I have spent a lot of my life resenting you for the all the things you never were to me, and now knowing you're a memory amplifies the hurt I had growing up. Not only because you missed those moments, but because now I will spend every day missing you. I do Dad, I miss you. I miss all the moments we never had, and all the ones we will never have. I find myself wondering if you are with me. In the most random times, when I am driving, working, loving on my children. I wonder if you see me, and if you do, what do you think? Do you miss the moments we didn't have? Do you think we missed anything? Are you sorry? Seems like pretty heartless things to feel considering my only contact with you now is through my prayers and dreams that carry me through the night. Do you know, now that you're in heaven I feel safe enough to love you? I feel closer to you now than I ever have. It both comforts me and feels incredibly unfair that now, since your gone, I can love with out reserve.

I hear music that drops me to my knees because it takes me to the moments we did have together. When I am missing you I turn on our music because it is there I can talk to you without hesitation. I hope you see me in those moments, those are the times I embrace loving you. Because whether I ever wanted it to be true or not, I got a lot of things from you. Every night I glance at the sunset and thank the Lord for another day. I didn't know this was habit for you until Esther told me. Now when I enjoy the colors of the evenings arrival I tell you I love you. I hope you feel it. At your funeral so many people mentioned your "big laugh", ya thanks for that too. Something I have always been a bit self conscience of, now I know it came from you. Everyone says your jokes were perfectly placed and would ignite the room in laughter. While I doubt I have quite the placement as you, I thank you for my wit as well.

You came to me in a dream recently. You told me how much you loved me, and that you were proud of me. You held me so close, and though I know it was a dream, I could feel your breath on my cheek and the tickle of your beard in my ears. You whispered to me, "I love you my girl, you've always been my girl." You have no idea the weight those words carry, or maybe you do and that's why you said them to me in my dream. Dad, that dream still brings goosebumps and lump in my throat. Why couldn't we have had that moment when you were alive? Why couldn't the last hug I gave you last a little longer? We miss you Dad, and the strange part is, I pray you know it. I hurt thinking that you passed with the hurt we caused each other. I told you in those last moments that I was sorry, that I loved you, that I forgave you. I wish I knew you heard, I wish I could have held your hand and told you I am okay. Despite the hurt we shared, I am okay. We are all okay.

I wish I had one more day to sit down and have a beer with you, to drive around the farm and enjoy your stories and laugh. I wish I could go back to the day it was just you and me on the south place. When I was 15 and you made me promise I would never cut my hair. I was so irritated in the moment because you had no idea how tangled it was from us chasing cows in the wind. I would go back to the moments I pushed off because I wanted you to know I was hurt, I would stop feeling like you didn't deserve me. I would know you better dad and I would be sure you knew me. There are days I relive our good times, playing kick the can, herding goats, driving aimlessly with no destination in mind. Just enjoying life. That's how I will remember you now, that's how I will remember us.

We are so similar that I think we could have had some pretty great memories, not the few and far between ones I am left with now. But the kind fathers and daughters are supposed to have. So today, 2 years since we lost you, I will ask you to please watch over us. Not just to keep us safe, but to know us. My children, they are awesome. You would love them. TJ looks like you dad. It's staggering how much mischief he has in his eyes, most likely placed there by you. And Ella, she is a little sassy and I am sure you would laugh at the arguments I have with her. She is full of piss and vinegar topped with the most gentle love you've ever seen. I imagine you had the same demeanor in your life. Dad, 2 years without you. Though in years passed I would have said it has been many more than that, today I am just missing you. Every moment we missed.

I love you Dad, I am glad you are free from pain. I hope you feel me loving you.

Love you Always,

Your Girl