For Auld Lang Syne, My Dear

Cue the cliche New Year's Post!

I have spent the better part of a week counting down the moments for the pages of 2018 to turn. For the first time in my life, I have actually considered the New Year a time of renewal and freshness. While 2018 had many good highlights, the majority of the last year and a half have been plagued by sadness and loss. Heartache after heartache has made my soul bitter and angry. But I've seen 2019 as a time for a fresh start, not only to put the grief in the past but also to reset my outlook on the way things are. I'm usually a pretty confident person who sees the good from the darkest bad and chooses to move forward, head up and ready to charge through. But when I look back at the way I have carried myself through the last few months, I look discouraged, almost like Eyore with a constant cloud following me and my head dragging somewhere between sadness and overwhelm. Truth be told, I miss the me that walked into a room with a goal to make the crabbiest person smile. The one who had it all together and could stop whatever I was doing to offer a smile or hello to a stranger. I see glimpses of that person I used to be, but then she quickly disappears into the shadows of the devastation 2018 came and went with. Today, I reclaim the woman I was set out to be.

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Dear 2019,

I have a plan for you and me. We have 365 days to climb a mountain, and I have no doubt we can come out the other side healthy and pure. My first goal for us- to bring me back to the faithful woman I used to be. It's been nearly a year since I attended mass with family. That distance between my faith and I have created a divide in the most critical parts of my life. I want my children to know God and the meaning of this life and each day we are lucky enough to live. I want them to understand the songs and story of our church in the ways I held so close to me until I let the harshness of the world interfere. I want them to understand why I cry every time I go to church and know the candle we light after communion is for the baby who is waiting to meet us in heaven. You see, my faith is the driving force that gives me the strength for the rest of my goals.

My next goal sounds a bit routine, but if you saw 2018, you know why this matters to me. Please help me to be a better wife and to build a stronger relationship with my husband. Our children deserve the best versions of ourselves, and I am sure we have let them down.

With that, I ask that in this new year I find the patience and beauty to be the mom my children deserve. Not the perfect mom that has a color-coded calendar (I do, but I think it's still set for November.) nor the mom who has food prepped for days and the laundry always folded a put away. Those aren't the things my children need. Please help me find the me I was that always smiled, sang the silly songs and forced them to dance with me in the kitchen. The mom that radiates happiness through them and our home. Please, help me to enjoy every second with them and not dwell on the mess that consumes my house. I strive to be the example of life they look back on and appreciate the way I do my mom.

I am taking hold of this New Year with a heart full of hope and not looking back to dwell on the sadness the last bit of time has held. I'm ready to be a better version of myself and get back to inspiring those around me who mean so much.

So, 2019- Here's to us, to love and hope and above all the strength to climb this mountain.