Disclaimer for this post: I am not in any way posting this to brag, or toot my own horn or anything of the like. But simply to say, I needed the push.
Today as I was walking through the lobby of my office a couple girls who I admire stopped me and said: "We were just talking about what a super mom you are!" I was shocked to think anyone could say such a thing because lately, I have felt anything but. They went on to say- "Your kids, husband, this job, your second job, and the Village Group, plus you find time to work out." I was so blown away by the statement that I think I may have made it awkward with how quickly I walked away.
What they didn't see were the tears in my eyes because I had just had the conversation with myself on the way to work that I was failing my kids and husband, I was feeling guilty because of all the time I was away, and even more guilty because I was proud of the work I am accomplishing. I have been on the road the last week juggling two sick kids, an insanely busy husband, and a messy house. Plus, my traveling schedule is only getting more hectic as the summer goes on. What they also don't see is that I have a husband who is so hands-on I know I can walk away and not worry about my children's welfare, that he ensures I get my workout in and congratulates me and pushes me to keep doing these things because he knows for the first time in ages I feel fulfilled on a level I haven't in so long. My husband and my kids are my superheroes, the ones who push me to do things like this and to keep myself busy when honest to God all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep....for days!
What they really don't see is how much I beat myself up for the little things- the dirty house, the laundry, missing a workout once for the week, sleeping the extra 10 minutes when I know damn well it is going to make me late.....again.
But most importantly, they don't see how much that comment fueled me to keep going. There are days I literally don't know if I am coming or going, which way is up or what day it is. But what I do know is that at the end of the day when I inevitably fall asleep with one of my little people and then stumble to my room to share a bed with my husband- I thank the Lord for people like them. The people who make me feel like all of this is worth it. My hope everyday is to influence someone on a positive level, to be what they need to get through their day and most importantly to be an example to my children that hard work pays off, that you have to work so hard for the things you want because no one is going to hand it to you. I want them to know that the way you treat people is a direct reflection of yourself and that no matter what FAMILY is the most important thing. They are my most important thing. If all of the rest of this went away today, I would be complete if I still had my family. I miss them every minute I am away from them, but at the same time every stride I take with this career fuels me to take another.
I am happy with my life in every crazy, chaotic intensely exhausting minute of it. I truly feel like I am comfortable in my own skin, for the first time in a LONG time. I am happy- a place I have struggled to be in for a long time. I hope they see, and all of you see, that having you in my life is what fuels my fire and pushes me to keep going.
So to the wonderful women who shared their thoughts, Thank you. For not only seeing my chaos but sharing with me your thoughts. I don't see the things you do, I am just doing me. But it means the world to me that you would take the time to tell me.
You are all part of my why.
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