God hands you the test. There are no notes, no study groups. Just the test. A dear friend told me recently, "God will keep handing you the same test until you finally get it right." Usually, the answers to the test are in the lesson. But with God, the test is the lesson. The answer isn't the same for everyone, it can't be taught. There is no cheating, there is no short cut on this lesson.
It's no secret I lost my job. I didn't tell my colleagues for several days, minus those who I am very close to. Several of them found out here. That wasn't fair. But the truth is I haven't been entirely sure how I felt. Then, last Monday I woke up and I was done. Nothing exciting happened, there was no dramatic epiphany, I was just over feeling confused. I told everyone in my office that day. With some, I shared their anger and it nearly brought me back to the dumps I had fought to climb out of. But, at the end of the day letting people know felt freeing. The news was out, and surprisingly, I did a decent job of not blaming "The Man." Tempted a time or two, but I have decided that they don't get that energy. That comes home to my kids, and clearly to my husband. The shift. It happened, and dammit I am ready.
I have realized the opportunity in front of me, don't get me wrong; I'm nervous. I have asked more than once if I will land on my feet. But I know it's up to me to brace myself, to hold my balance and keep going. So ya, I could continue to sulk, play the victim and continue to carry the bitterness I held. But man, that's heavy. It's the weight no one sees you carry, because you're too proud to admit things aren't perfect. It takes a toll. I am proud of the job I did while I was there, I worked hard. That won't change, I will continue to work hard for them because I am going to do this right. My mom would probably kick my ass if I didn't, and I don't want to carry the regret of letting them win. I didn't get to quit on my terms, that's what bothered me the most. But, when would that have happened? I have met incredible people who have truly changed my life. People who are no longer just co-workers. They are my family. I will take that with me.
I wake up every morning and tell myself to find the new opportunity that could be "it." Maybe I will land on my face, or stumble a bit before I catch my stride, but that's another lesson learned. Yes, I will land on my feet- eventually. I see now that there is opportunity in EVERY day. Not for a glamorous career, or high paying job. There is opportunity to live, I haven't been doing that.
We have the choice to wake up every day carrying the bruises of the past, or to finally let them heal and turn to the scars of lessons learned. We all have scars. Some big ones, others small- but none the less we learned from them. They are the stories that make us, the hard stuff that molded us and the building blocks of the strength that holds us up and forces us to put one foot in front of the other. The truth is, I have been through much worse than this, I will face challenges heavier than this- no, no, I know I am far from done learning. I hope I am never done with the lesson.
Waking up every morning is a blessing we tend to take for granted, returning back home at the end the day, even more so. Life is hectic and hard, some days can't end soon enough. But don't let the noise of life get in the way of living. That's where I failed. I was caught in the determination of what success looks like. Corporate Success- that's not me. I want to be ME.
Will I have a job the moment I exit this one? I don't know. Things might be tight for a bit, but that's o.k. Say I don't have a full time job right away, that's fine. Because what I gain is more! I get to be a full time mom, wife, ME! I have more time to focus on the life I've been given and the beautiful family we have built. More snuggles? More giggles with my children? Being present for their every emotion- even the ones that make me want to pull my hair out- ya, I'll take that. That is the greatest opportunity I have ever been given. I don't want to miss it.
Maybe I didn't get a Gold Star right out the gate on this test. But the lesson will evolve and cultivate a happiness I didn't have the strength to find on my own. So the next time God hands you a test, be open to the lesson. It will only make you better.
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