My sweet boy, every night when I put you to bed I am taken aback by just how big you are. Your sweet baby feet have quickly turned into stinky little boy feet, yet I still can't get enough of them. The hands that used to curl so easily around my fingers now clutch your favorite toy as you drift off to sleep. It seems now you read to me more than I read to you, but I love that you still beg for snuggles each night before I go. Tomorrow when you awake it will be your first day of first grade! How in the world did we get here? It seems like just yesterday I was running the bath while counting the time between contractions knowing for sure you'd be in my arms the next day. I remember wondering what you would look like, worrying you wouldn't like me, or that it was all a dream. But then you were here, so perfect with your dimpled chin and bald little head. Picked from heaven just for us - you were, and still are - so perfect.
First Grade. I know we have so much time ahead of us but I find myself begging for time to slow down. I feel like this is all going too fast. I am already so scared of the moment you leave this nest I work so hard to build for you. I can't imagine a morning that I don't hear the pitter patter of your feet down the hall, and your sweet little voice ask "Mommy, can I watch something?" Baby, I know I don't always show you just how grateful I am to have you, but I need you to know that no matter what the day brings, I thank the Lord for you when I tuck you into bed. I kiss your cheek and move your hair in hopes you feel my love in the comfort of your dreams. I want you to always feel that love, even when you are grown.
As you journey into these first days of school, know that there isn't a day I don't pray for you. For your safety, for the biggest belly laughs every moment and the comfort of knowing you are loved. But, as you grow I want you to know even the hardest of times teach us the best lessons. I want you to fail, because I know it will teach you to try again. I hope you miss a game winning shot so that you understand the weight of the world will never fall solely on you, even though at times it seems it does. I want you to understand, that no matter how heavy the load-, it's ok to ask for help carrying it. I want you to be scared baby, so that you understand God hears our prayers, his comfort will surround you and get you through. Even when it feels like you are alone.
I don't always want you to win TJ, because being a good loser says more about a person than being a constant winner. I want you to fall in love hard and fast and feel the heartache of losing that love, only because I want you to understand what love isn't, and that sometimes best things in this life take time to be held. I want you to appreciate the smallest moments of life- like the comfort of a cozy blanket in front of a fire, or the beauty of a colorful sunrise. I hope you have to try things on your own so you can learn the importance of telling your self you can. No matter how many people you hear it from in a day, the one voice that will give you the strength is yours. Sweet boy, if there is one thing I know about you it is that you have the determination and heart to do anything.
TJ, I want you to learn the hard way who your friends aren't. Because being a good judge of character will protect you later. Who you surround yourself with will always say a little about you too, so it is important to choose wisely. I pray that you are the friend your friends lean on. It's not easy being that person sweetheart, believe me, some days it feels too heavy to carry, but being dependable will take you places you can't imagine now. I want you to cry, so you appreciate the warmth of a genuine smile.
All in all TJ, I want you to lose and hurt, fail and mess up. I want these things for you so that you get back up and win and heal yourself and those around you. I want you to appreciate what it is to be the loser so that when you find yourself on top, you don't forget how you got you there.
Baby, there are so many things I want for you in this life, but the biggest of them is love. Love from every corner of your heart, the kind that takes your breath away and keeps you up at night. The kind of love that scares you and makes you stronger, but surrounds you with it's grace- because baby- that's what you give me.
I will spend my days giving you every ounce of love in my heart because you make me so proud. In everything you do I see this incredible human I can't believe is mine.
Tonight, I will tuck you in bed and do my best not to shed any tears, I will bravely walk you to school in the morning knowing we are facing the fact that you are getting older. I will kiss you on the cheek, whether you want me to or not, and tell you "I love you Baby," because I do. More than you will ever know. You are my little dude, my hero and my biggest inspiration.
I love you
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