Through my divorce, I have learned a million things about myself, the biggest lesson has been just how far away I have gotten from the person I strive to be. I have intentionally kept to myself about the struggles I went through with my ex-husband and my family. But I have recently considered that maybe my lessons should be shared, not to teach someone right from wrong, because The Lord knows I am not one to enforce those rules, but rather to show that all that goes wrong isn't bad.
I am not going to pretend that I have used my downtime to self reflect and be alone. That's not my nature, in fact, alone time is really bad for me. Alone time is where I find my darkest struggles. It's a place I have tried really hard to avoid. The self-reflecting, yes that has happened, but I have done it surrounded by the people I trust most. That's where I find myself. In the chaos of overwhelming laughter, the chatter of my best friends and sisters, and the comfort of knowing I don't always have to be in control. Therein lies my biggest fault.
When I became a wife I had this vision of what life was supposed to be like, food on the table when he arrived home, cleaning up the house before bed, and ensuring the Home and Gardens magazine cover I pretended we lived in was intact for the next day. I have NEVER been that person, so falling short of that day after day took a toll on the confidence I carry. That was never an expectation from my spouse, it was the pressure I put on myself. When I became a mom that innate need to be perfect was amplified to a deafening pulse. Everything was supposed to be perfect, tidy, organized, and managed; by me. No one else could do the birthday parties and bedtimes, no one had the right kind of snuggles and over my dead body was someone else going to be the first thing my kid saw in the morning. On the other side of my life, I was carrying that same amount of pressure for work as well. I woke up in the morning defeated before my feet hit the ground. I had set myself up for failure. So it was all too natural to feel suffocating guilt for the things I hadn't done, and even more so the things I chose to do instead.
A night out with friends, or even a restful evening on the couch instead of giving in to the demands of the home lead to days of guilt-ridden tears. Reminding myself of the failure I was because I wasn't doing it all. One of the biggest faults in my marriage was not letting him be on the team. I encouraged him to enjoy his friends, to go out for the night, to do what HE wanted to do. Because he needed that. I knew that and I wouldn't change my choices in that- but what I didn't do was see that happen for myself. I planted and cultivated the resentment I had for him by not letting me put myself first. I got angry when he got to enjoy his friends and I was home and in bed by 9:00, not laughing with my friends like he was. But when I did decide to grab those moments no one beat me up to bigger than my own mind.
Ladies, WHY?! I know I am not alone in this. I know we've all been there, we take the moments, we plan the night for insane laughter and carefree moments when we can get back to the women we were before we became wives and mothers. And as soon as the quiet settles into our minds and the silliness is gone we destroy our selves for missing bath time or a bad dream. We crucify ourselves for living for a minute. I am this woman, still. I only have my kids for a week at a time and in the moments they aren't in my sight I am verbally abusing myself for not being with them. Sure, there are a lot of other issues that plague my guilt for what my kids have gone through, but this is one issue that no matter how hard I fight I keep losing. When did it become so wrong to choose me? That isn't what motherhood or marriage is. I didn't have kids or get married to become a prisoner or slave. I did it for and out of love. To spread, share, and give endless amounts of love.
Motherhood is teaching your kids the example, showing our babies strength, and loving them unconditionally. Sometimes, it's not choosing them first. Yes, you read that right. It is ok to choose you. There aren't many people who would argue against the strength of a woman. But we become weak when we forget to take care of ourselves. Turns out, your marriage might be stronger if you get in touch with that woman your man fell in love with. The truth is; the kiddos like you better when you are refreshed from a night of not being responsible for the day's final kisses. Sometimes, it's ok to let dad do that too. He might like the chance to be in the spotlight with the kids. Maybe he aches to feel the love your kiddos give you when you're the one reading the bedtime story and hearing about the day they had. And maybe, just maybe- you'll remember who you were before the messiness of motherhood. It's ok to remember and enjoy that woman, it's ok to choose you.
Take the hot bath, enjoy the glass of wine. Go for the walk to clear your head, and dammit, don't feel guilty. ENJOY IT. No matter your situation, please choose you sometimes, even if it is for only five minutes- let it be yours. It's healthy, there is no punishment and it will only make you more loveable. "If the Queen isn't at her best, nor will be the land she leads." Yes, it feels like the world depends on you and in ways it absolutely does, but if you are not able to take care of the world because you haven't taken care of you, what kind of world are you creating?
We are an amazing force ladies, we are strong but please don't push the limits in testing your strength. The mess will be there to clean, the laundry will be there to fold and your kids will not hold it against you to miss one owie. They will always love you.
You have to love yourself too.
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