One of Those Days

Today was the day. The day people like me dread. The day that you know is coming, the one you almost forget about having, especially after having such a good day. The day you look around and everything in your line of sight, sound or reach pisses you off. A down day, off day, bad day...whatever it is you call it; today was one of those days.

I hate that I have to admit there are days I am not happy. But there are, and today was it. I crashed hard today. It wasn't my kids, they didn't do it. It wasn't my husband, but he is under the impression it was. So here I sit in my empty bed wishing I could be with anyone else, anywhere else but here. That's thing about these days- you can't escape yourself even though you want to. I feel myself getting angry, I see myself being irrational, hear myself being out of line with everything and I can't stop. I try, I do the breathing, the patting the counting- anything I can to run away from the asshole I am being for the day. But she doesn't leave. Here she is, the impossible to love version of myself. The hardest part is that everyone around me has no choice but to take it personal. I wish so much I could just lock the door, turn off the lights and sleep the bad day away. Everyone would be safer that way, but the truth of the matter is- the world doesn't stop when I have one of these days. So instead I have to try to survive it and pray to God when it passes my family still loves me the way they did on the good days.

I sit here in my own head and say "It's just the crash, it's the low- Beth it will go away just keep pushing through." But it is so hard to keep pushing knowing that just existing is what has left me alone in bed regretting every move I made for the day. I KNOW it will pass, but what my husband sees is the crazy. Maybe that isn't what he sees, but that is what I am telling myself he sees. Why wouldn't he? Yesterday I was lovable. He's "Sad and Confused" his words, not mine. But I know that. I know he is because yesterday was a great day, for weeks I have had good days. And then all at once I woke up this morning to "one of those days." The days no one in this house deserves to deal with or can see coming. Nothing I can say will help him understand because he doesn't have these kind of days. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else does.

Today, I can't give an answer to the "what's wrong" or "why are you down" "What can I do" questions that are obligations people ask. What's wrong? Honestly, nothing and everything at the same time. Why am I down? Well because shit happens and sometimes I wake up a miserable person. Is it because I forgot to take my medicine yesterday? Ya, my medicine. The one that is supposed to keep me from having days like this. My "don't be sad pills" that I am dependent on. Is it subliminal guilt because yesterday I had a much needed day of freedom with my girlfriends?If I had the answer to why these days happen or when they would happen, I can promise you we would all be more prepared for them when they do. What can you do? Run. That would probably be your best option, but please come back when I wake up in a couple days to the utter devastation I caused. That's when I will need your help, even though I don't deserve it. Because I am not a tornado of destruction everyday. Most days, I am fun. Most days I am motivated to do the house work staring me in the face. Most days are not these days. But these days- if you can survive these days, are the hardest.

I sit here paralyzed not knowing if I go downstairs and try to make him understand or leave it at the " I am sorry I am having an off day" that he somehow took as sarcastic. I meant it. I am sorry, not sure he will ever understand just how sorry I am that this is who I woke up being today. But I am. I am sorry that I can't have more control of my moods that he and our babies are in the direct line of projected emotions. I am sorry that who I am is much like a weather pattern no one can follow. Some days are beautiful, some days are a storm and I can't control them anymore than a storm-tracker can follow a tornado. But, if I can survive the days that destroy my foundation and uproot my home, then I pray to God we can all wake up from the mess stronger. I don't expect everyone to pick up the pieces, this is on me. All I can ask is that while the storm is raging they hold tight and take cover, because when it's over I know I can give far more beautiful days than the darkness we all endured today- and on these days.