It's been quite some time since I have sat down to write. Not for lack of motivation, but purely due to timing. The majority of my summer has been spent in a driver's seat chasing down my career and trying to keep up with it's demands. It's been both a blessing and a curse. I would like to think I have proven my loyalty and dedication to my company but I suppose that isn't for me to decide. But what I have missed weighs heavy on my heart. I've missed bedtimes and suppers, giggles and snuggles - and that has really gotten me down.
I have always wanted to be a mom and a wife. From the time I was a little girl, I imagined the features of my babies, I had names picked out by the time I was 14. I had this image of being the mom who made it to every game, every event and was always there to tuck my littles in with a kiss and a prayer. I would teach them what it is to work hard and love purely. I would take the time to craft with them and be the mom at the classroom parties who had the home made snacks and special seasonal decor. I would be the wife that maintained a structured home and was on my husband's arm at every function. Together we would be "that couple" that was so in love it was nauseating.
I never pictured myself in an executive role, living out of a suit case and making friends with the gal who gives me the keys to my rental. Though it wasn't what I planned I have been living that life for the last six years. My son is six. I could stop this blog right there and most people would understand the things I am about to tell you. As I said, my son is six. Shortly after he was born, 3 months to be exact, I began a career as an executive, marketing a company that spans the globe. I have seen some incredible things that I will be forever grateful for. I have walked the streets of New York City and created a strategy for the next best plan to bring higher revenue in the door. I have seen that plan become real and celebrated with the team it took to get there. I love the creativity and the fact that I have proven to my beautiful daughter that yes, women can make it in a man's world. I can confidently say I have had success in my 33 years. But I fear I have failed my kids. This is not to say you can't have both a career and children. You can, I am working to find that balance. In the last year I have nearly lost my marriage, had countless sleepless nights wondering what part of life I want to live for and spent a lot of dashboard time missing my family. Do I want to be recognized as the leader to my team, or the leader of my family? if faced with a situation where I'd have to choose - I'd be stupid not to choose the latter. But lately, it seems I haven't.
My son told me as I headed out the door for a week long trip, "Mommy, I don't want you to leave like this anymore." My response? Pathetic. "Baby, if you want these things, Mommy has to go on these trips." Do I? Yes, I have a comfortable salary, but I fear I am failing as a mother, and a wife. What's the example I am setting? That material makes a happy life? I had a breakdown in my hotel that week. My husband to the rescue brought the kids to me so we could have a couple nights together. My kids thought it was such a cool adventure that mommy stays in hotels. They didn't see that I had eaten dinner by myself most nights- not good dinner mind you. That I forced myself to sleep with benedryl so I didn't have to think of what I was missing at home. That the stress of work was turning my stomach upside down. They thought the bed was so comfy and fun, but they didn't sense the lonely. That's all I felt. Lonely.
That trip changed my life. I called my husband on they way home and had an honest conversation about our successes. What part of it are we proud of? We unanimously said our kids. But lately, we haven't been the fun tight nit family we are known to be. We are separated, and not because there isn't love, but because mommy and daddy are living to work, working to live and not experiencing the moments together as one. We are a great team, but one is on defense and there other is on offense. Never getting to share the field together.
Upon returning from that trip we decided we needed to change some things, and while I know it will take time, the relief I have in knowing we are headed in the right direction brings me a sense of calm I have needed.
I got home on Friday, and we listed our house the following week. We aren't entirely sure what steps come next, that all depends on too many moving parts to say for sure. But for now, my husband and I are arm in arm, standing together in unison to take the next step together. To give me the opportunity to be a mom and give our children what I dreamed for them. To give them ME. To give them family vacations, to have mommy and daddy together at the same time, to be a family. To give my husband the wife he deserves, the one I want to be. We got lost along the way, but we are on the right track now and that's all I need to know. So for now, our home is for sale and we are looking forward to downsizing the debt, opening the flood gates for more time and less stress together. But most importantly, we are on the same page.
I cannot wait to see what comes next.
Stay Tuned.
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