While cleaning my kids' room the other day I was presented with the question of the rocking chair. "Can we get rid of this? Does it get used much, or is it in the way?" The very mention of getting rid of it broke my heart. Doesn't everyone see the importance of the chair? But I entertained the question. The answer is maybe. Maybe it is in the way, maybe it doesn't get used much. But when I see that chair countless memories flood my heart and remind me why it will never be in the way. I am not ready to let go of the many hours spent rocking my babies in it, reading to them, calming their bad dreams, bonding with them, and loving them. There were times when I was pregnant with TJ that I would go sit in that chair and talk and sing to him, imagine what life would be like when he finally arrived. I would spend hours just sitting and imagining what this world with him in it would be like. I did the same with Ella, we snuggled, we struggled to nurse, spent many sleepless nights just being in each other's presence. I have prayed to the baby I lost while rocking away my own tears in that chair. That chair is where I ran to when my dad died, weeks before, sitting in that chair, I texted my stepmom and asked her to tell my dad I forgave him and I loved him. When my mom was in the hospital I sat in that chair and prayed the Lord wouldn't take her from me. Throughout my divorce, I would sit in that chair just to be in the presence of love. Because whether my kids sit in it with me or not, that chair has held nothing but love. The peaceful glide of it helped me escape the hard times and embrace the good. Some of my favorite pictures were taken from this chair.
So it stayed.
That night, for the first time in a very long time, I sat in that chair and read to my kids. Another reminder, of the days when they both fit in my lap, oftentimes with a kitty fighting his way in as well. We sat for hours, enjoying the moments. The songs we would sing still the soundtrack in my head. The memories of just sitting and enjoying my beautiful babies circled my mind and reminded me how much I need that piece of furniture. That night my kids laughed, danced, read to us, told jokes, and acted like little dweebs. I had a front-row seat, in that chair. It reminded me I need to take more time to enjoy that VIP place in their life. Because my window for these moments is fleeting.
I am in this time of transition with my kids, where they are old enough to not need me so much, but young enough to need me all the time. I am lucky to have a relationship with them that allows for silliness and honesty. The three of us held tight to each other through some heavy stuff, and now our bond is unbreakable. Their smiles literally fuel my day and their personalities can change the outlook of the hardest days. It's not without the heated moments or the times of wondering if I am doing them any good at all, because those are alive and well. But we always come back to the good.
I am in the transition phase of needing the chair or letting it go.
Some days, I am ready for them to have their independence and need less of my hand to hold. But if I am honest with myself, I wish I had more time. I wish I could pause time and just soak up every moment, every smile and tear. Every. Single. Detail. I knew when I had kids I wanted to be involved in as much as I could. I promised to be the mom that was hosting the friends, coaching the teams, and putting together the fun parties to celebrate just how lucky I am to be their mom. To be the safe place for them and their peers, as my mom was to me and my sisters and all of our crazy tribes. I have done what I could to keep that promise to them. I am coaching Ella's Cheer Team - which has proven to me that physical coordination fades with age! Watching her become a whole new little girl, with confidence and grace. Being lucky enough to stand next to Jay while he coaches TJ's basketball team. Standing with TJ on the court teaching him a sport I forgot I loved so much, watching him walk past his teammates straight over to me to give me a hug, whether we are in the middle of a defensive drill or not. I can only hope that pride stays with him through the high school years.
It's exhausting, keeping up with the house, a full-time job, and leading 19 little people, but I know I won't get to do it forever, so we've jumped in with both feet. It helps that I have a person standing beside me encouraging the growth it brings me and helping to manage all the moving pieces. I am not alone anymore and that might be the biggest difference. The days are hectic, some days I talk myself out of the joy of it all, but I can't imagine my life without the chaos.
I am standing at this point in my life where a rocking chair brings tears to my eyes because the less I need it means my kids need me less. But, I'll keep it. Because that chair will always be a place of love, I will always have that safe place to calm my kids' tears, no matter their age. To read them a book or hear them read to me. To be a safe place to come to when the world sucks and they need someone to be there for them. The size of my kids will change, the moments and conversation while seated there will change, but it will always have a place.
So, the chair will stay.
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